It really is amazing what coffee can do; it isn’t necessarily a good kind of amazing in this case, but it is amazing nonetheless. It is 8:05 AM, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep yet, and this is the third night that this has happened, not getting much sleep, that is. No, don’t get the wrong idea; I haven’t done three all-nighters in a row, not in that sense, anyway; I can’t even do one without passing out from sleep deprivation; no, I have been sleeping during the day, but that isn’t good, and it certainly doesn’t make me too happy, but trust me, it isn’t by choice. I drink the coffee for a reason; I know that because of the mindset in which I am at night, I’m not going to sleep, anyway, so I would rather not sleep and be awake and alert than not sleep and be miserable. Makes sense, right? I think so. I mean, I try to lie down at night, and all I can do is lie wide awake, alone in myself, and it isn’t too much fun.

Why am I in this mindset in which I can’t sleep? Well, it’s kind of pathetic, really. Ray has been in Pennsylvania, and I consequently haven’t seen him since Sunday, and I can actually feel the distance. He is hundreds of miles away, and I can actually feel that. I try to sleep at night knowing that if something serious were to happen to either one of us, I couldn’t be there for him, and he couldn’t be there for me. Well, we are madly in love, so that sounds pretty logical, right? You would think so, except it isn’t like he’s gone for a month. He’s only gone for a few days; he’s coming home tomorrow, and presumably, I can go back over there tomorrow when he gets home, so why can’t I just accept that? Why can’t I be an adult and just accept that I can’t be with him every minute of the day? While I do know the answer to that, it doesn’t make it any less pathetic.

While I don’t mean to advertise my personal feelings in such a public domain, I have learned from past experiences that it helps, and I honestly miss it. I used to do this much more often; before Ray and I began dating, I had many, many nights during which I couldn’t sleep because I was enduring an incredibly difficult time in my life and was loaded with self-loathing and regret, and although I don’t want to get into the specifics as they really are much too personal, I guess that that is more or less partly what I’m doing now – hating myself for mistakes that I’ve made and wrongdoings that I have inflicted upon others. Why does it hurt so much? It hurts so much, because I can say that I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, even to myself, and even if those people forgive me and even if I somehow learn to forgive myself, I can’t erase time; time is a frozen dimension that can’t be altered, so those mistakes and wrongdoings are always going to exist no matter what.

I find comfort, though, at the moment, and of all things, it is in materials. For Christmas, Ray bought me two books – Prom by Laurie Halse Anderson and Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, amongst other gifts, and they lie here on my desk waiting to be read, even though they are unfortunately midway down a very long list, and I take comfort in them. They mean something to me because I know that a lot of thought went into them, and that is because a lot of thought goes into me. This relationship is the realest, most intense aspect of my entire life, and it knocks me off my feet everyday for that very reason. I can’t stand being separated, even if it’s only for a few days. I can’t stand not having him to cuddle with, not having him to hug, to kiss, to tell him how I feel, and this small bedroom begins to feel so incredibly lonely even after a mere few hours, which causes days to feel like weeks.

Luckily, though, it isn’t something that I have to deal with too much longer. He will be home tomorrow, and I believe that I will see him then, since he will be leaving very early in the morning. I talked to him last night for a very long time, and I took a lot of comfort in that, too. Additionally, going back to Oswego isn’t going to be difficult this time; in fact, I am looking forward to it, and that’s because he will be going, too. He applied and got accepted, and so we will be together everyday and will be taking part in activities together everyday – doing homework, eating, shopping, and so forth, and I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am. It’s our first shot at this, our first shot at living a life together on our own, and I can’t contain the excitement.

People like Fady and David used to tell me all the time that my writing was inspirational to them, and that was inspirational to me, because it made me want to keep doing it. I guess that that’s why I’m doing it now, not only in hopes of making myself feel better but also in hopes of maybe making someone else feel better, but I don’t mean to overestimate myself, because honestly, if those two had never said anything, I never would have thought anything, because I write because and only because it’s something that I enjoy doing, not because I find it to be a talent. However, if someone does find some sort of beauty in what I have to say, then who am I to deny that person that beauty? Who am I to say that that person has no right to be inspired by what I have to say? I’m only human, and I do like to be told that what I do is appreciated. In the meantime, I just wanted to tell the world how life is, I guess. Ray, when you read this, be reminded of what you surely already know – I love you so much, and I fully intend to marry you one day soon, one way or another; my world shines because of you.